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Why Can’t I Relax?
By Meg Savin, LMHC, Integrative Psychology, PC Therapist
I often hear from clients these days that they can’t quite turn off the buzzing worries or ruminative thinking that can lead to lack of sleep, feelings of being “on edge” or in some cases, complete panic. They often tell me they have carved out time to relax, but their brains don’t quite seem to be cooperating.
This is when I like to turn towards the body for some help. Our brains may logically know that we are safe in a moment and that it is ok to relax, but our bodies may not be fully on board with that plan. Our goal, then, is to show our bodies that it is ok to relax.
I remind my clients (and myself) of the very simple act of breathing out. The breath is always available to us wherever we are— standing in a crowded room or lying in bed alone at night. When we think of breathing deeply and slowly it is easy to over-focus on our in-breath; and if we’re already in a panicked state, doing so might even lead to us hyperventilating. I simply practice elongating the out-breath, ensuring your lungs are fully empty. Pause at the bottom of the breath and then breathe in. When we elongate the out-breath we are activating our parasympathetic nervous system, the part of our nervous system that slows heart rate and helps us return to a “rest and digest” state.
Use the natural world as our guide. For some, if it’s accessible, this may mean going for a hike, a walk near a body of water, or strolling around a neighborhood. But it also can mean sitting in a patch of sun, or even just gazing out the window for 20 minutes and seeing what you notice. Is there movement around you or are things relatively still? What is the weather doing? Is the sun or moon out? Are there birds or squirrels? What are they doing? Has anything changed since you were last in this place? Are trees or flowers budding? Or are leaves changing colors and falling? Are trees preparing for a winter snooze? Tap into all the senses that you can–sight smell, touch, hearing. In doing this, you are not only grounding yourself in the present moment, but you are sending signals of safety back to the body as your brain (and body) recognizes everything around you, in this moment, is safe. Think about what an animal might do if they are startled by a noise. A rabbit might pause. It looks around; its ears might move in different directions, its nose might start wiggling. It is assessing the threats around. Once the rabbit is satisfied it is safe, it might begin eating or foraging again. We can do the same.
Try something a little different. Ruminative thinking is often described as a truck traveling down the same path in a dirt road over and over. The same patterns of thinking in our brains create these worn pathways that can often be very difficult to break out of. We want to try and create new pathways for our thoughts to travel. One way to jump start this, is to physically take our bodies somewhere new. This could mean, actually visiting a new neighborhood, park or museum. Or it might be as simple as going down a different road on your way to work. Novelty can help engage our brains to pay more attention to our surroundings and to allow space for new thoughts, curiosities and emotions as well.
Finally, engage in something pleasurable. While anxiety is a totally normal part of life, when we are feeling high levels of frequent anxiety that feels difficult to control, our bodies are letting us know that we are out of our “window of tolerance”. So, one thing we can do to help ourselves is build up our capacity to manage these feelings. And the key with this one is inviting yourself to try something that will feel pleasurable to both your brain and body. Maybe it is stretching for 5 minutes, wrapping yourself in a weighted blanket, enjoying your favorite dessert or taking a bath.
So next time you are encouraging yourself to “relax” and find it is not so easy, you might consider some of the above to invite the body and brain to better work together to help you feel more grounded. And, like anything, this all takes some patience and practice.
I often hear from clients these days that they can’t quite turn off the buzzing worries or ruminative thinking that can lead to lack of sleep, feelings of being “on edge” or in some cases, complete panic. They often tell me they have carved out time to relax, but their brains don’t quite seem to be cooperating.
This is when I like to turn towards the body for some help. Our brains may logically know that we are safe in a moment and that it is ok to relax, but our bodies may not be fully on board with that plan. Our goal, then, is to show our bodies that it is ok to relax.
I remind my clients (and myself) of the very simple act of breathing out. The breath is always available to us wherever we are— standing in a crowded room or lying in bed alone at night. When we think of breathing deeply and slowly it is easy to over-focus on our in-breath; and if we’re already in a panicked state, doing so might even lead to us hyperventilating. I simply practice elongating the out-breath, ensuring your lungs are fully empty. Pause at the bottom of the breath and then breathe in. When we elongate the out-breath we are activating our parasympathetic nervous system, the part of our nervous system that slows heart rate and helps us return to a “rest and digest” state.
Use the natural world as our guide. For some, if it’s accessible, this may mean going for a hike, a walk near a body of water, or strolling around a neighborhood. But it also can mean sitting in a patch of sun, or even just gazing out the window for 20 minutes and seeing what you notice. Is there movement around you or are things relatively still? What is the weather doing? Is the sun or moon out? Are there birds or squirrels? What are they doing? Has anything changed since you were last in this place? Are trees or flowers budding? Or are leaves changing colors and falling? Are trees preparing for a winter snooze? Tap into all the senses that you can–sight smell, touch, hearing. In doing this, you are not only grounding yourself in the present moment, but you are sending signals of safety back to the body as your brain (and body) recognizes everything around you, in this moment, is safe. Think about what an animal might do if they are startled by a noise. A rabbit might pause. It looks around; its ears might move in different directions, its nose might start wiggling. It is assessing the threats around. Once the rabbit is satisfied it is safe, it might begin eating or foraging again. We can do the same.
Try something a little different. Ruminative thinking is often described as a truck traveling down the same path in a dirt road over and over. The same patterns of thinking in our brains create these worn pathways that can often be very difficult to break out of. We want to try and create new pathways for our thoughts to travel. One way to jump start this, is to physically take our bodies somewhere new. This could mean, actually visiting a new neighborhood, park or museum. Or it might be as simple as going down a different road on your way to work. Novelty can help engage our brains to pay more attention to our surroundings and to allow space for new thoughts, curiosities and emotions as well.
Finally, engage in something pleasurable. While anxiety is a totally normal part of life, when we are feeling high levels of frequent anxiety that feels difficult to control, our bodies are letting us know that we are out of our “window of tolerance”. So, one thing we can do to help ourselves is build up our capacity to manage these feelings. And the key with this one is inviting yourself to try something that will feel pleasurable to both your brain and body. Maybe it is stretching for 5 minutes, wrapping yourself in a weighted blanket, enjoying your favorite dessert or taking a bath.
So next time you are encouraging yourself to “relax” and find it is not so easy, you might consider some of the above to invite the body and brain to better work together to help you feel more grounded. And, like anything, this all takes some patience and practice.
April 21, 2026
